Last weekend (as in two weekends ago) Sr Robbie, Jenny, and I had a nice trip to Mad'ville. I was only in town for 24 hours and we were really busy the whole time with three Masses and a Knights of Columbus dinner plus loading up the van and Carol's car with diapers and detergent. It was kind of hard to leave because I wanted to spend a week at home at least. It seems that anytime I go home - for any amount of time - I want to stay there. And the longer my visit, the harder it is to leave. It's still really hard for me to comprehend that I won't really be living there again long-term. Well, I guess I shouldn't say that, since I have no idea what the future holds, but presumably I won't live there again. It's incredibly sad to think about. I'm also missing Owensboro, which unfortunately we weren't able to visit this time.
It was great to be back home in my own house and own bed. For some reason, I really appreciated everything much more than I ever had before. Even when I came home for two weeks at Christmas, I don't think it clicked. So whatever the reason (maybe because Sr. Robbie and Jenny were with me?) I just looked at my family and our house and our dog and our cat and our cars and our church community and felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Growing up, it was easier for me to sense what people had that I didn't have, but now I'm much more attuned to the opposite.
This weekend I spent Saturday night at the Johnson House (more details to come in a later blog!). I was looking forward to a sleepover with my good Sandy Valley Region friend, Jessica. Caitlin dragged an extra mattress into Jessica's room for me and Jessica got it made up all nice for me. Then we hopped into bed, turned off the lights, and whispered in the dark. As Third Eye Blind (and Annie) say "Like a jazz DJ you talk me into sleep." I'd been waiting so long for it and it was awesome. One thing we talked about was home. Jessica is from New Jersey and she's looking forward to going home within the next few months. She said she misses her family and can't wait to be with them again. I feel similarly. I wouldn't call it homesickness, but some nights I just really start to wish that I was back in my home with all the space and quiet - not to mention family and pets. Living in community, I always have my public face on... like, some nights I just want to get up from the table when I'm done eating and go read or watch tv or whatever. But instead we wait for everyone to finish eating and then have devotion and clean up. It might not sound like much, but it's one of those day-in-day-out deals that can start to wear on some people. You don't get to live on your own time, you have to live by everyone else's.
Anyway, I guess I just wanted to say that I love being at home, and it's been on my mind lately which is making me question another year of service. I've been seriously considering applying to a program on a Lakota reservation in South Dakota, but I'm terrified that being so far away from home for so long would be unbearable. On the other hand, moving home makes me feel a little like a failure. I'm conflicted for sure. Tonight we have a (boy!!) perspective volunteer. I was trying to read in the library/meditation room when he came in with his Bible. "Don't let me interrupt your reading," he said before talking my ear off for fifteen or twenty minutes. But no matter... in his conversation he made it very clear that he was allowing God to lead him wherever he is meant to go. He spoke of the peace he had about all this. I was jealous. I feel like this same notion keeps coming up over and over within the past few months, and yet I'm still unable to feel peaceful or to understand my next move. I don't know how the rest of them do it.
Stacey got into her top pick for grad school today, and Sara had a phone interview with a grad school. I'm very tempted to feel behind right now. I have to keep telling myself that everyone's path is different, but I often wonder if I'm just dragging my feet.
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